There are so many messages that bombard me about my well-being. Direct messages from loved ones who mean well, ads and videos from social media, and my own personal voice that also peeks out to be like: yeah, do that thing.
• women have higher changes of autoimmune disease because we’re taught to self-silence, we’re taught and expected to put others’ needs before our own
• “take up more space for youself” / “lean in”
• go out more
etc.
NONE of these things are bad things. But as an introvert, every one of these things feels like a shit ton of energy, effort, and discomfort. I KNOW that’s not a bad thing. Tough things make us grow, make us learn more about ourselves – pushes us to become better.
BUT, it’s also overwhelming as fuck. The amount of mental hyping up I have to do for myself is a LOT before action follows. And when that action doesn’t yield responses, results? It’s super disappointing and demotivating. I know I need to get over it, but right now it’s just feeling…like a huge ass mountain to overcome.
more than four years ago i had started to see a therapist following a ghosting-breakup. you know, one of those breakups where the other person doesn’t really tell you and they just cut contact? fade out? yeah…the type of breakup i feel wouldn’t have been excusable in a different generation, but with my generation had become a norm. it was a step above the post-it break up (iykyk - stc reference).
why did i go to therapy? the relationship that sparked this wasn’t long. it had been about 2 months and in the spectrum of relationships wasn’t super meaningful. however, what it did make me realize is that i had been picking partners who were unavailable. emotionally unavailable. all good for the fun time, but when they started to feel something or if committment started to come into the picture, they never chose me. why did i keep picking partners that wouldn’t choose me?
some highlights of therapy: as confident and self-sufficient as i am, i also give too easily, too soon. trust NEEDS to be earned. love, to some extent, too. when it’s not, the other person really doesn’t know how to appreciate and give back.
a few months into the pandemic, i met someone new. i had been in therapy for a few months and my therapist encouraged just noncomittal communication and interaction. another thing that had been frustrating about dating was how much i jumped ahead (in my head). i automatically dismissed people without really giving them the chance. this someone new, challenged areas of my life i thought i had firm positions on, but with this new mindset, he and i spent a lot of time together.
fast-forward 4 years, and we’ve still been together. it’s been happy and sad. a lot of hard work. and honestly, it’s not clear if we’ll actually stay together.
he’s got his issues to work on – which he believes he needs to figure out solo (now) before we move onto the next stage (likely marriage). for me, i need to really understand myself and my boundaries. is this a relationship, for all of its good and rewarding, fulfilling aspects worth the emotional toll and load i tend to have to carry? if we had kids, am i ok with likely having to be the constant stabalizing force? sexually, are we actually that compatible? how important is this (rhetorical question, b/c i think this is important to both of us and we’ve been exhausted trying to “make it work”)? is a breakup (possibly temporary) the answer?
there’s a lot of fear of not wanting to separate. growing further apart, finding other people, etc.
love is beautiful. it is comfort, it is warm, it is growth. but sometimes, it’s not enough.
some ramblings about life and love and relationships.
when it’s not easy, is it supposed to be so hard? my tolerance for crap is pretty high – i can deal with a lot. i come from an immigrant family. life, i think, was not supposed to be easy – and that’s ok. i do believe it’s our effort and our obligation to work our way past the tough stuff and find the good things to make it worth it. do i believe that there’s a great reward for all that effort? not really. i think the goal is to survive. i think the bonus is to enjoy.
my partner, though, is of a different mind. he has suffered and continues in his own suffering because reality is not meeting his expectations. there’s self-flagelation because he believes he’s not living up to his potential, that he’s made mistakes he can’t recover from, that the things he wants in life he’ll never have.
it’s tough, because i think he does have it in him. i also think he’s super hard on himself. but i think he doesn’t really want to listen to that. he wants someone else, some entity to save him. to give him a break. tbh, i need that break now too. it’s exhausting being the stable provider. it’s heartbreaking to see someone you love not really love themselves and constantly seek validation from others. i don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. is it enabling to try to comfort him so much? is it harmful to myself when his continued expressions of never “making it” start making ME believe we won’t make it? is it better that he work on this himself, without “us” in the picture?
i don’t know anymore. i just know i’m tired. i’m tired of being the support for both of us. i’m tired of trying to be supportive and never feeling like it’s enough. and i’m tired of the fact that when i voice this, he isolates and i feel alone. still.
i seem to only be reflective and wanting to write when i’m in the dumps. i’ve tried to write when happy and content and the words just get stuck or i don’t have the same drive/need to express myself. but give me woe and sadness and suddenly there’s pressure in the valve.
for three years i’ve been with my partner. it started casual – we met during the pandemic. we weren’t sure what was going to happen and i think we found comfort in finding someone we got along with, could explore things with, and feel supported by. because we each were dealing with our own trauma of past relationships, we were very respectful of how much we could give. i had agreed to casual until we had our first break up about 6 months in. the reason? he wanted an open relationship and i didn’t.
it’s hard when a fledgling relationship also becomes long distance. during those 6 months, we’d had 3 while living in the same city. but soon he’d been traveling and was in europe for another 4. unlike the healthy thing, we kept in touch. daily. when he came back to our city, i was his first stop. we picked things up right where they left off – both under the impression we’d come to the others’ perspective.
3 years later, i found out how much we didn’t align on the boundaries of our relationship. he still wants an open relationship. after moving in. after getting a dog. after already talking about kids, family, future. and my ONE foundational thing that makes me feel loved is security. security in the person i trust and give to. it feels like an impasse. it feels like the end. i don’t think either of us wants that, but it’s unclear how we move forward.
hope you all had some safe, happy holidays & new year!
here’s to 2022 🍻
Turned 35 in a new country. Half-way thru 2021 and I’m surprised at the momentum that’s been happening – personally and professionally. I think we often set high expectations for ourselves on accomplishing certain things, but it really is about timing; some things will take longer than others and that’s okay. I’m probably the opposite and set goals as an aspiration but don’t really put pressure on myself to actually achieve it by any timeline (the deadlines freak me out).
I have noticed, though, that for some goals, to get any momentum you have to build foundations - the relationships, the context, the WORK. It takes time for the groundwork before momentum can really show itself.
photo credit: me 2021, Vevey, Switzerland - Lake Geneva
So…2020. It was a lot. COVID-19 hit and the year pretty much went downhill from there – for the world. There were some ups, too, but it was a year of the pandemic, a civil rights movement (that we’re still having to explain and justify to a demographic in the US), dethroning a would-be dictator, an almost insurrection/coup, hate crimes, and more. It hasn’t really stopped in 2021, either.
On a personal front, 2020 was a lot growth. Forced growth (a privelege I acknowledge having spent much of it solo). Coming out of 2019 and into 2020, I was actually in therapy following a surprise (but maybe not to some) breakup. I focused on myself – on what I want, what I deserve, what I can offer. I began virtual dating. I found an unexpected love. A love that grew and was built on honest, open communication, respect, and affection. Does it have its issues? FOR SURE. But it was (and has been) a relationship that taught me what it was like when two people want it to work out – when both people put in effort. When both people share and reciprocate. It was eye-opening.
2020 also made me confront some things about myself. My own privelege as an Asian American woman, but also the vulnerabilities of that identity. I grew in my career as an individual contributor – learned the importance of observation. So, in the spirit of the past years to look at my goals and how I compared, let’s get to it:
1. Take more ownership in thought leadership and expertise among my team Done! I am now spanning several teams as a go-to resource to understand the ecosystem of our product
2. Read and listen more – less video/screen time (that’s gonna be hard); music, audio books, books, mags, etc. Ehhhh, so, this didn’t really happen. It happened a little when I began tackling some building and redesign projects at my parents’ house as well as my apartment.
3. Continue making! Sew, pottery classes (coming up), build stuff… Yes, kinda! During 2020 I made A LOT of face masks. I challenged myself with a button-up shirt, and several lounge-y robes. I built a pull-out pantry for the kitchen, and I did a small room makeover at my parents’ that included new paint, board & batten accent wall, new light fixtures, and some shelving! (and plants. reused a lot of the furniture in a new layout, and took some old furniture out).
4. Cook more YUP. definitely did this as I was home for quarantine. I also ordered in a lot, but after a recent home purchase (yet to move or close), the cooking will be going up A LOT more
5. Keep volunteering or saying yes to freelance – this is satisfying my need to be more visual without the constraints of my day-to-day Nope. But I’m also okay with that. I am satisfying my making and visuals with hands-on projects.
6. Keep going outside – travel, trying new activities (or revisit ones I stopped), stay open to other living arrangements Kind of. I haven’t traveled really, because…2020. I did venture to Mexico with the love (I mentioned earlier) and did a road trip to Austin for #vanlife.
7. Keep investing – both financially and personally. Develop my relationships among family, friends, and friend+ (😂) more; save and invest for a myriad of goals (eventual 🤞homeownership), travel (and maybe entrepreneurship/small business dreams) YES. I bought a fucking home. by myself. I feel all sorts of empowered single lady right now. And I am trying to keep in touch with friends and family more (pandemic zooms!)
What are some new habits? Okay, 2021:
1. Keep saving & investing (financially & personally). After this purchase I need to replenish some savings but also want to be in a position to invest for the future – for that possible small business dream. I want to develop out my friendships more and feel more connected to the people I care about.
2. Read and listen more. Putting this back on the list.
3. Love more. I love my guy, but we both know it’s not a situation that will last. When people talk about needing more than love, know that it’s true. Timing is also an important aspect – readiness. But this relationship has been teaching me about vulnerability and trust: giving these things to someone who earns that trust and giving them the chance to show up for you. And learning how to really show up for them. This extends to loving and expressing that love to my family and friends more. Showing that appreciation.
4. Go outside, move more. More hikes, more walks, more bike rides. Workout more. Enjoy it.
5. Show up with kindness and compassion. Don’t ignore tough situations. Show up and support in some way or gesture. Acknowledge it.
6. Keep making. Sew, build, pottery…use my hands to create, to inspire, to fulfill that need I have.
7. Write, reflect, keep loving myself. Started journaling this year to get through some rough times and the habit of setting a more positive or purpose-driven day helped push me thru some stagnant and depressing times. Reflecting on how I’ve been doing, on what I CAN do, and how I’ve progressed is pretty motivating. It is a definite mood changer and helps keep some balance. My favorite affirmation: I am a bad ass bitch :P
Open roads during quarantine. Life update: helping someone with a van build! On the way to Austin to meet the builder and get started.
this is not a healthy eating post. it is literally the meals and recipes i’ve tried out during this time:
slow roasted mushroom pasta with crispy rosemary chickpeas
pizza (homemade pizza crust)
Still one of my favorite movies :)