rejected love/break ups and art school have so many things in common: lack of sleep, no appetite, and depression.

school has been in session now for about 6-7 months. a lot has happened. grad life is busy, busy, busy (and also because it’s art school, you’re never truly away from assignments or projects). my work, to me, felt that it has improved; it’s become more formally grounded, there’s more logic and rationale behind the design, and there’s more conceptual connections.

however, school and all it brings (professional critique & stunningly talented and skilled undergrads) also has really fostered an insecurity and doubt that was present before but more subdued. now, it’s rampant! i recently had a talk with one of my instructors and he conveyed his concern about my ability to visually express all the critical thinking and conceptual thought i’m capable of (needed for my thesis development next semester); in comparison to my peers, i do lack the formal training and thus my foundations of design aesthetic is very simple and straightforward (which never used to be a bad thing). since this conversation, the doubt has tripled when i’m trying to produce work. it’s both worrisome because i feel like nothing is good enough or pushed far enough and slightly amazing because i am seeing myself push my own limits and thoughts (visually it’s a small push, mentally i feel like i’m tackling concrete blocks). 

in any case, i just wanted to share this experience and feeling. to other designers/artists: does the doubt ever go away? how can we lessen that insecurity? what roadblocks have you faced and how have you overcome them? 

joined vine! a little snip of the city when i was leaving a work meeting…

this hasn’t happened in a while; i wake up after only a few hours of sleep to find myself wide awake hours before i need to be and thinking about things i shouldn’t. part of me wonders if therapy would be a good idea for some help in changing behavior or delving deeper beyond self-reflection to find the root of the bad habits i can’t seem to shake. they appear again when i thought it was done but in a new context and new setting.

for some people i think love can make you stronger. i think it did that in some ways; i’m more motivated and focused on a career rather than a person. but i also think i’m of the other half where that attachment has weakened my resolve or self-preservation instincts. there’s a vulnerability that i can’t take back anymore. it saddens me because life isn’t as straightforward and simple as it had been. i miss those days. i miss full nights of sleep, of not worrying, of not obsessing.

whatshouldwecallme:

Expectation: 

Reality:

with school being as busy as it is, i’m excited and tired at the same time—all the time. haha. i’m grateful for this opportunity to learn and refine skills i’ve tried to build on my own; professional help is incredible! at the same time, i’m also super thankful for meeting new people and making friendships (professional and personal) that i hope to think will last for many years to come.

someone in my program called me an extrovert, which surprised the hell out of me. me? an extrovert? really?! i’ve always thought myself an introvert since i’m by myself for most of my days; i’m uncomfortable in groups of strangers; i will attach myself to a familiar person when in unfamiliar settings. i physically force myself, most times, to interact with others/go out—this is partly laziness, too. but she mentioned that if i find myself rejuvinated spending time with others, i’m probably a shy extrovert :D it makes me want to do that briggs meyers personality test.

i’m beginning to feel a sense of satisfaction in this new chapter of my life, but i’m still plagued by sadness and yearning from my past. i still think about a certain person that i really shouldn’t spend so much time thinking about; if not consciously thinking about them during the day (when i’m up to my eyeballs in work), then i’m dreaming disturbing and sad dreams about them. they are a person i’d still like to keep in my life—afterall, the caring is still there—but i wish this subtle and yet persistent yearning would go away. it dampens the happy moments i’m experiencing and wakes me up feeling like i must push through instead of embracing what the day has to bring. it’s been over a year now. how much longer does this feeling last?